thoughts before leaving

In my sermon after attending the SOA vigil last November, and in the light of the then recent kidnappings I asked: “What difference can one person’s actions or one person’s sacrifices make in the face of giant horrors like the war in Iraq or unrest in Colombia or other parts of south and central America?" At the time I concluded "that protesting is still better than silently accepting injustice, even if results are slow in coming.… If I really believe that as a Christian I should follow in the footsteps of Jesus Christ even to the point of laying down my life for my brothers and sisters, and if I really believe non-violent action can make a difference, then I shouldn’t hesitate for a moment” to take a risk.

I came down from that mountain-top experience, and wrote this email in December, "When I really think about it though, I know the men who were just kidnapped in Iraq weren't single-minded. They probably had and are having a bizillion second thoughts and regrets. And they aren't saintly martyrs, they are just ordinary, peace-dedicated men."

In March I was here: "I got home from my mom's last night and found out that they found Tom Fox's body on the outskirts of Bagdad, Friday I think. Tom Fox was the American of the four CPTers who were kidnapped at the end of November. Tom Fox was one year older than my own father. When he was first kidnapped his daughter, who is probably close to my age, put out a statement of conviction and solidarity for what he had been trying to do when kidnapped.

I would have to write a novela to describe all the nuances of thoughts and feelings this raised properly, so the Coles Notes version is that that news was a bomb dropping on my unrecognized naive hope [that all the men would get out unscathed]. And it left me feeling angry, powerless, incredibly sad, lonely and frightened…I eventually grabbed two hours of sleep.

Today was a long day. My horror from last night has receeded, because life is so distracting. I can't stop living even though these tragedies are happening. So I guess it's maybe just going to be a matter of forgiving myself that I can keep living and forgetting over and over again the terrible things that are happening elsewhere in the world."

I want to share now that what I keep thinking about is the freedom I take for granted. To travel across oceans, or just to the doctor's, or to downtown for a night out. And I think about the thousands of people in different parts of the world who don't have that freedom, for whatever reason. And that's grossly unfair. And it's grossly unfair that I can choose to put myself in a sketchy situation, but know that it will only be for a couple weeks, while these other people have no choice and are there for good.

I'm trying to get at a few things here. Trying to understand my own motivation, and maybe I'm defending myself a bit too. This trip isn't just a thrilling "one-night stand." It's something I've been thinking about much longer than last November, and it's only one small piece of everything I want to be doing to *cough* "change the world."

But dudes, it's so slow, and so hard to see what one can do. And hard too, to strike that balance between cherishing all the good I've been blessed with, while recognizing that "it's not fair!"